The Men Guide . Us

Many women don’t have their most intense orgasms until 40ish. Men at 20ish. WTF?

Question submitted by blanddiva11: 

Paraphilic infantilism is a biomedical term used to describe a condition wherein one gets sexually aroused by wearing diapers, and/or being taken care of. 

Now, there’s been little scientific research done on this condition, but I think that as weird as it sounds, it’s understandable. 

People like being taken care of. Especially men.

Here’s where evolution kicks in.

A hundred million years ago, men were hunter-gatherers and women were housekeepers-hookers. Men realized that if the girls were their age, they wouldn’t be as good caretakers as if they were older / more experienced. So they decided to only fuck cougars. Not actual cougars (far too risky). But like hot-older-women-cougars (less risky).

Anyways, fast forward a couple million years, and women have developed this ability to come like cheerleaders when they’re 40, as a function of who men would fuck in the Paleozoic Era.

In sum, call me.

— Moe 

This is how big my dick is. Is this large for a dick? (I am holding my hands 10% further apart than what you would consider big for a dick)

Question submitted by wellthatsjustgreat.

Yes.

What are your thoughts on the whole “staying friends with an ex” thing?

Sure, if the relationship had no passion and the sex was terrible, then fine. Have your bland thing go on as a sexless friendship. But if the relationship had any fire in it at all, it should be almost impossible to even see each other afterwards. So why would you put yourself through that?

Unless by friendship you mean ‘catch up with each other once every few months for a drunken fumble in the bar toilets’ and then in that case I say range operations GO!

Your pal, indefensible!

My girlfriend has had several sexual partners in the past and now when we have sex I sometimes don’t feel like I am inside of her. I have asked “am I in you yet?” on several occasions. What should I do?

Dear benstillerfaggot69,

I think you’re frustrated that your girlfriend was a bit “loose” in the past, and now her vagina is as big as a clown car.

If it’s any consolation, you’re not alone. I mean, the dude before you was probably tired of having to fake an orgasm, and the dude that’ll bone her after you will likely harbor the same frustrations of fucking the Grand Canyon.

You guys should start a club.

That said, I’m reminded of a saying my father told me when I got rejected by this whore of a girl in middle school. He said “whenever you meet a pretty girl, remember that there’s a guy out there that’s gotten sick of fucking her.”

You’re just another cog in the machine. 

In this case, the cog is your penis, and the machine is Ms. Clown-Car-Vagina.

So what are you going to do? I mean, besides for bringing up vaginal rejuvenation surgery at the dinner table, your options are limited.

You could tell yourself that she’s a really nice girl and she has a great personality, but who are you kidding? Every time you see her, all you’ll be able to think of is her sad flappy excuse for a vagina. She might as well be wearing a sign around her neck that says “I’m nice, but have a potato sack for a vagina”. Maybe “My vagina can also be used for your pets to get in and out of doors safely”. Or something like that.

But I digress. You need answers. You came here for advice. God knows you cant come in her.

Listen, if you want to stay with her:

1. Stop watching porn. You’ll only continue comparing Clown-Car-Vagina to pornstars and start resenting her for not getting her anus bleached I mean come on it’s not that expensive and I’m willing to pay for it just grow up your friends don’t need to know.

OR

2. Start watching more porn. Now, I’m not talking about the sensual, romantic, or sexy porn. I’m talking about BBW massive ogres fighting Type II diabetes and using motorized scooters at Wal-Mart pornstars. Start watching overweight grannies doing it doggy style with Larry King. Start watching stuff from Germany. Start watching pornstars with craniofacial abnormalities. Really get into it.

That shit will make you appreciate what you have.

Trust.

Yours in Jesus,

Moe

Someone with experience with threesomes, what are your thoughts, did you enjoy it? Would you recommend others to experience it?

Question submitted by sandram:

Well Sandra, if that is in fact your real name, I’m glad you asked. But first, let me ask you a question. Would you call yourself open-minded? Do you like to experience new things? Ever take MDMA and get into a hot-tub just for shits and giggles? Me neither. Me neither. That would be crazy and illegal and seriously we’re in a drought and hot tubs are a waste of water. Also that’s how you get cooties.

What are my thoughts? My thoughts are that threesomes are this crazy fantasy that just about everybody has, like owning your own home or becoming heavyweight champion of the world. The only difference is that you rarely become heavyweight champion of the world by buying women shots of Jager and telling them that they look ‘fun’.

You hear a lot of people say that they tried it once and it “wasn’t for them.” They’re liars. The whole lot of them. 

You see, the allure of The Menage-a-trois, The Threeway, The Wobbly H, or The Eiffel Tower, lies in the primal act of conquering the unknown.

You see, each one of us has a sexual starting point in their lives. Sort of like a home base. This can be the time you French kissed Jenny Kilgour helicopter-style in 9th grade, or the time you saved your special gift for your prude girlfriend.

As the years go by, you try new things, you go out and explore. A bite here, a rope there, mutual masturbation while watching your grandmother dancing on your Bar Mitzvah video; whatever the case may be. The point is, we’re exploring. Conquering new lands. Sailing into uncharted waters.

It’s how we found America, invented McDonald’s, and elected a black man as president.

It’s what makes us us.

And we all enjoy it. 

— Moe & Indefensible

PS: Besides for sexually transmitted diseases, the only other real risk is getting too many high-fives from your bros.

crusty asked: What do women think about giving head to someone still sporting his foreskin?

They think he’s under 40.

Tits and ass are great, but how hard can it be to make women feel like they can be beautiful without them?

Question submitted by portraitofamind

Whenever I go to the university library, I bring a bunch of textbooks with me, open them up, and make a pseudo-fort around me.

I do this because I have low self-esteem, and I imagine that other people are admiring me from afar.

“He’s the sort of intellectual I would like to have intercourse with,” the cute Asian girl seems to say to her friend.

“I am not as profound as you,” the pimply girl with the ponytail will think to herself.

Here’s the thing.

They aren’t saying any of these things.

They haven’t even noticed me.

There’s a concept in social psychology called the Spotlight Effect. According to Wikipedia, it is the “tendency to believe that other people are paying closer attention to one’s appearance and behavior than they really are”.

Let me explain by giving you an example. You’re wearing a Bob Marley shirt to an anti-marijuana convention. You will think that everyone is staring at you and looking at your shirt, when, in reality, very few do.

The same thing holds true with “tits and asses”, however great.

Women love to think that the only requirement men have for a viable sexual candidate is having tits and an ass. While this benchmark may be true for teenage men, this is not true for mature men.

We look for (the list includes, but is not limited to):

• Positive attitudes towards anal.
• Willingness to try out sexual position found on Urban Dictionary.
• Personality.
• Sense of Humor.
• Joie de vivre.
• Lack of passing judgement on my penis size.

The list goes on. My point is that men aren’t so shallow, and that tits are just a bonus. If you have a good personality, you look beautiful all of the time.

Caveat: if you look like a whale we won’t want to fuck you, unless we like that, in which case, cheers.

— Moe

When does sitting in your underwear jacking off become considered “lame”?

Here’s a list of lame things:

1. Turducken. It’s not only lame, and horrible tasting, it’s stupid.

Why not stick a live tarantula in there as well? You’d remember that fucking Thanksgiving, Charlie Brown.

2. Every James Bond video game after Goldeneye. Before Goldeneye, I went to arcades, gave dollar bills to creepy old dudes who’s dreams died long ago, got some quarters, and played Top Speed while high as fuck. After Goldeneye came out I was like, “OH MY GOD GIVE ME YOUR PURSE OLD LADY SO I CAN BUY NINTENDO64 WITH YOUR OLD LADY MONEY,” and then I was like, “I AM JAMES BOND NOW AND I HAVE A SNIPER RIFLE I DON’T FEEL BAD ABOUT BEATING UP THAT OLD LADY AND I AM SO HIGH.”

Seriously, how do you fuck that franchise up?

3. The way NFL coaches dress now. George Halas, Paul Brown, Tom Landry, and Vince Lombardi wore jackets and ties on the sideline. Even Chuck Noll wore a shirt with a collar. But you, modern NFL coach? Nice track suit. I’d never guess you weighed 14,000 pounds under that. Do you churn your own buttermilk to pour in the nine vanilla lattes you slam before lunch? Really, you guys make my middle school Phys Ed teacher look like he was draped in Yves Saint Laurent.

Notice how I left “sitting in your underwear jacking off” off the lame list. That’s because masturbation is God’s little gift for making the rest of life so unbearably horrible.

This is how I imagine God spoke to Early Man about masturbation eleventy-billion years ago:  “Uh, hey caveman? Listen, I’m really sorry that you saw your fellow tribesmen get eaten by giant squirrels.

I didn’t really think this whole “man’s existence/survival” thing out.

I’ve been working on whale sounds FOREVER and no matter what I do, double-tracking, more reverb, remixes, they still sound utterly ridiculous. I hate whales now. Terrible idea.  Anyway, I’ve come up with a solution to help you deal with your lonliness until you find some more tribesmen. It’s simple. Take your hand, put it between your legs and get some friction going there, and, oh hey, that’s weird, you know what you’re doing there. Have we spoken about this before? Would you mind waiting until I leave before you continue? It’s a little weird. Oh, your friends, I forgot. You know what? Keep going. I’ll deal. Now you might want to switch hands every week or so. We’ve been getting great feedback about that.”

Happy Masturbating,

Brilliant Orange

incaseofzombies asked: What do you feel is a solution to the problem of the absence of innate “manliness” in our present generation?

Hi, incaseofzombies. That’s a good question. I was pondering it a little earlier as I was pounding some serious flange after having chopped down a tree using only the jawbone of an ass. And by ass, I mean Bear Grylls.

I think to work out a solution, first you have to diagnose the cause of the malady. Sure, old-school I-just-smoked-a-hundred cigars-before-lunch-and-jerked-off-onto-a-tiger-because-I’m Norman-Mailer manliness is dying out. Sure, men seem to feel no fucking shame about crying in front of women, or at the end of Charlotte’s Web. But why?

Susan Faludi nailed it in her book Stiffed — we no longer have an agreed idea about what it means to be a man. Joe Jackson kind of said it too, but he was more talking about some stuff about the gays which I didn’t understand because isn’t that song all about the hanky code or something?

Oh yeah, back to what I was saying. There’s no model for manliness these days. Whenever boys or men do traditionally manly things (drink, smoke, fight, leer at ladies, do burnouts in their cars, take tons of drugs) society as a whole says “YOUNG MEN ARE A PROBLEM”. Masculinity is, as a result, demonised.

So men acquiesce. And they learn that if they want to avoid being told they’re sexist, or are in some way paleolithic, that they’ll accept the argument from femininity as the final arbiter on societal matters.

End result? A generation of bedwetting premature-ejaculating pansies who ask women out on dates by text message because they’re petrified that if they ask a woman out in a public place that she’ll tear him a new asshole for objectifying her.

So what’s the solution? Given that we can’t (and don’t want to) wind back the clock on the advances of feminism, it’s a tough one. I think that individual men have to make a choice to just get their fucking shit in order. Most young guys could start by just standing up for themselves from time to time when someone accuses them of being a part of the patriarchal hegemony.

I guess what you’re after though, this being the internet and all is a list. So here goes.

7 things guys should all do or something like that.

1. Walk between your lady and anything scary or dangerous on the street. This is like an old-school chivalry thing you can do and you don’t get the bullshit “hey you sexist fuck I can open the door by myself” thing that sometimes uptight women lay on you when they have their period or whatever it is that made them so very angry.
2. Ditch the skinny jeans. Jeans are working men’s clothes. Jeans are for when you don’t know if you’ll be milking a cow or going down a mine that day. Don’t defile jeans by making them fey. If you must wear a ‘style’ of jeans, go for bootcut because then you look like a proper rockstar, not that girl from the Killers.
3. Own, and know how to use, some basic tools. Women go all spongey for a man who can put up shelves and such.
4. Fighting is key. Actually, losing. If you know what it’s like to take a beating (it hurts like fuck, but it’s not the end of you) then you’ll be more likely to stand up for yourself. Important tip: this may not apply in the USA where every swinging dick with an attitude packs heat. But in Australia, yeah, it’s important to know you can take a leathering. Plus, a broken nose is always a good story. I got mine taking a kicking from 5 guys when I was 17 or so. They called me some name because they saw me reading a book. I told them to get fucked so they kicked the living shit out of me.
5. Would it hurt you to read a book?
6. Don’t try to trick people into liking you. If you want people to like you, become a better person. All that pickup artist stuff is some bullshit. In my eyes, if you use that shit on women, you’re basically tricking them into fucking you by telling them lies. That’s not exactly informed consent is it, you bunch of rapey fuckos?
7. Get better in bed. I am not even kidding. If you are good in bed, like really good in bed, women will let you get away with murder. This is, at least, what my female friends who have partners who are good in bed have told me.

That’s my prescription: be a bit chivalrous, learn how to fuck, have some integrity, stop crying unless it’s at the end of Old Yeller. The rest takes care of itself.

Your pal,

indefensible!