The Men Guide . Us

What’s with anal?

A reader submitted this question:

Can some one explain the fascination with anal? Why do men want to put their most favored extremity into the darkest unknowns of our buttles?

We thought thar was oil in them hills.

Dear Reader,

Oh God, a sex question. These make me uncomfortable, but I’ll do my best. 

Listen, you must understand that men will and have tried to stick our erections into any orifice anywhere, and we have not limited ourselves to the ones on any given mortal coil. Seriously. A weak spot in some drywall, an old bean bag chair, a vacuum hose. I mean, sometimes we don’t even need a hole, it just has to be rump-shaped, like a basketball, or a large watermelon. So, as men are already completely and helplessly fixated on this region of your body so near to where there are other bits of slippery fun to be had, you can see why we’d give it a go. Besides, I’ve heard that some people really enjoy it, although the metrics for this mostly involve adult films where, admittedly, payments received by the talent have probably skewed the data. I have to wrap this up, because I’m sweating. Anyway, good luck, I guess, and feel free to let us all here at The Men Guide know how it goes, in as much detail as possible.

BrilliantOrange

Guys like when ladies stalk them, right? RIGHT??

Question submitted by dailybez

Fact: Men like attention.

Caveat: It depends what the stalker looks like and how much stalking he/she is doing.

As a general rule, the hotter you are, the more attention a man is willing to receive. And vice-versa. That is, I would like to be stalked by that chick from Harry Potter, but I would not want to be stalked by Joan Rivers.

The often overlooked confounding element in this rule is the craziness factor. I would like to be stalked by Ms. Harry Potter, provided that she won’t spray-paint swastikas on my walls and want a sperm sample to cryogenically freeze.

My advice? Do some introspection.

If you find that you are hot, and not crazy, stalk away. If, however, you find that you are ugly and crazy, stalk away as well. Your life peaked when you were an infant. If you fall somewhere in the gray area, buy some duct tape and watch Dexter. Just in case.

Yours,

Moe

megustajuan asked: You are a genius and i love your blog!

Yes, this is accurate. We are in fact a collective of near geniuses. You are quite an astute lass. We thank you for your kind words and patronage. If you would like to demonstrate your loyalty either in the form of a monetary donation or coitus, please let us know. Come back soon and allow us to offer you the guidance that you so desperately need.

Roughdiction

Many women don’t have their most intense orgasms until 40ish. Men at 20ish. WTF?

Question submitted by blanddiva11: 

Paraphilic infantilism is a biomedical term used to describe a condition wherein one gets sexually aroused by wearing diapers, and/or being taken care of. 

Now, there’s been little scientific research done on this condition, but I think that as weird as it sounds, it’s understandable. 

People like being taken care of. Especially men.

Here’s where evolution kicks in.

A hundred million years ago, men were hunter-gatherers and women were housekeepers-hookers. Men realized that if the girls were their age, they wouldn’t be as good caretakers as if they were older / more experienced. So they decided to only fuck cougars. Not actual cougars (far too risky). But like hot-older-women-cougars (less risky).

Anyways, fast forward a couple million years, and women have developed this ability to come like cheerleaders when they’re 40, as a function of who men would fuck in the Paleozoic Era.

In sum, call me.

— Moe 

This is how big my dick is. Is this large for a dick? (I am holding my hands 10% further apart than what you would consider big for a dick)

Question submitted by wellthatsjustgreat.

Yes.

What are your thoughts on the whole “staying friends with an ex” thing?

Sure, if the relationship had no passion and the sex was terrible, then fine. Have your bland thing go on as a sexless friendship. But if the relationship had any fire in it at all, it should be almost impossible to even see each other afterwards. So why would you put yourself through that?

Unless by friendship you mean ‘catch up with each other once every few months for a drunken fumble in the bar toilets’ and then in that case I say range operations GO!

Your pal, indefensible!

My girlfriend has had several sexual partners in the past and now when we have sex I sometimes don’t feel like I am inside of her. I have asked “am I in you yet?” on several occasions. What should I do?

Dear benstillerfaggot69,

I think you’re frustrated that your girlfriend was a bit “loose” in the past, and now her vagina is as big as a clown car.

If it’s any consolation, you’re not alone. I mean, the dude before you was probably tired of having to fake an orgasm, and the dude that’ll bone her after you will likely harbor the same frustrations of fucking the Grand Canyon.

You guys should start a club.

That said, I’m reminded of a saying my father told me when I got rejected by this whore of a girl in middle school. He said “whenever you meet a pretty girl, remember that there’s a guy out there that’s gotten sick of fucking her.”

You’re just another cog in the machine. 

In this case, the cog is your penis, and the machine is Ms. Clown-Car-Vagina.

So what are you going to do? I mean, besides for bringing up vaginal rejuvenation surgery at the dinner table, your options are limited.

You could tell yourself that she’s a really nice girl and she has a great personality, but who are you kidding? Every time you see her, all you’ll be able to think of is her sad flappy excuse for a vagina. She might as well be wearing a sign around her neck that says “I’m nice, but have a potato sack for a vagina”. Maybe “My vagina can also be used for your pets to get in and out of doors safely”. Or something like that.

But I digress. You need answers. You came here for advice. God knows you cant come in her.

Listen, if you want to stay with her:

1. Stop watching porn. You’ll only continue comparing Clown-Car-Vagina to pornstars and start resenting her for not getting her anus bleached I mean come on it’s not that expensive and I’m willing to pay for it just grow up your friends don’t need to know.

OR

2. Start watching more porn. Now, I’m not talking about the sensual, romantic, or sexy porn. I’m talking about BBW massive ogres fighting Type II diabetes and using motorized scooters at Wal-Mart pornstars. Start watching overweight grannies doing it doggy style with Larry King. Start watching stuff from Germany. Start watching pornstars with craniofacial abnormalities. Really get into it.

That shit will make you appreciate what you have.

Trust.

Yours in Jesus,

Moe

Someone with experience with threesomes, what are your thoughts, did you enjoy it? Would you recommend others to experience it?

Question submitted by sandram:

Well Sandra, if that is in fact your real name, I’m glad you asked. But first, let me ask you a question. Would you call yourself open-minded? Do you like to experience new things? Ever take MDMA and get into a hot-tub just for shits and giggles? Me neither. Me neither. That would be crazy and illegal and seriously we’re in a drought and hot tubs are a waste of water. Also that’s how you get cooties.

What are my thoughts? My thoughts are that threesomes are this crazy fantasy that just about everybody has, like owning your own home or becoming heavyweight champion of the world. The only difference is that you rarely become heavyweight champion of the world by buying women shots of Jager and telling them that they look ‘fun’.

You hear a lot of people say that they tried it once and it “wasn’t for them.” They’re liars. The whole lot of them. 

You see, the allure of The Menage-a-trois, The Threeway, The Wobbly H, or The Eiffel Tower, lies in the primal act of conquering the unknown.

You see, each one of us has a sexual starting point in their lives. Sort of like a home base. This can be the time you French kissed Jenny Kilgour helicopter-style in 9th grade, or the time you saved your special gift for your prude girlfriend.

As the years go by, you try new things, you go out and explore. A bite here, a rope there, mutual masturbation while watching your grandmother dancing on your Bar Mitzvah video; whatever the case may be. The point is, we’re exploring. Conquering new lands. Sailing into uncharted waters.

It’s how we found America, invented McDonald’s, and elected a black man as president.

It’s what makes us us.

And we all enjoy it. 

— Moe & Indefensible

PS: Besides for sexually transmitted diseases, the only other real risk is getting too many high-fives from your bros.

crusty asked: What do women think about giving head to someone still sporting his foreskin?

They think he’s under 40.