The Men Guide . Us

crusty asked: What do women think about giving head to someone still sporting his foreskin?

They think he’s under 40.

Tits and ass are great, but how hard can it be to make women feel like they can be beautiful without them?

Question submitted by portraitofamind

Whenever I go to the university library, I bring a bunch of textbooks with me, open them up, and make a pseudo-fort around me.

I do this because I have low self-esteem, and I imagine that other people are admiring me from afar.

“He’s the sort of intellectual I would like to have intercourse with,” the cute Asian girl seems to say to her friend.

“I am not as profound as you,” the pimply girl with the ponytail will think to herself.

Here’s the thing.

They aren’t saying any of these things.

They haven’t even noticed me.

There’s a concept in social psychology called the Spotlight Effect. According to Wikipedia, it is the “tendency to believe that other people are paying closer attention to one’s appearance and behavior than they really are”.

Let me explain by giving you an example. You’re wearing a Bob Marley shirt to an anti-marijuana convention. You will think that everyone is staring at you and looking at your shirt, when, in reality, very few do.

The same thing holds true with “tits and asses”, however great.

Women love to think that the only requirement men have for a viable sexual candidate is having tits and an ass. While this benchmark may be true for teenage men, this is not true for mature men.

We look for (the list includes, but is not limited to):

• Positive attitudes towards anal.
• Willingness to try out sexual position found on Urban Dictionary.
• Personality.
• Sense of Humor.
• Joie de vivre.
• Lack of passing judgement on my penis size.

The list goes on. My point is that men aren’t so shallow, and that tits are just a bonus. If you have a good personality, you look beautiful all of the time.

Caveat: if you look like a whale we won’t want to fuck you, unless we like that, in which case, cheers.

— Moe

When does sitting in your underwear jacking off become considered "lame"?

Here’s a list of lame things:

1. Turducken. It’s not only lame, and horrible tasting, it’s stupid.

Why not stick a live tarantula in there as well? You’d remember that fucking Thanksgiving, Charlie Brown.

2. Every James Bond video game after Goldeneye. Before Goldeneye, I went to arcades, gave dollar bills to creepy old dudes who’s dreams died long ago, got some quarters, and played Top Speed while high as fuck. After Goldeneye came out I was like, “OH MY GOD GIVE ME YOUR PURSE OLD LADY SO I CAN BUY NINTENDO64 WITH YOUR OLD LADY MONEY,” and then I was like, “I AM JAMES BOND NOW AND I HAVE A SNIPER RIFLE I DON’T FEEL BAD ABOUT BEATING UP THAT OLD LADY AND I AM SO HIGH.”

Seriously, how do you fuck that franchise up?

3. The way NFL coaches dress now. George Halas, Paul Brown, Tom Landry, and Vince Lombardi wore jackets and ties on the sideline. Even Chuck Noll wore a shirt with a collar. But you, modern NFL coach? Nice track suit. I’d never guess you weighed 14,000 pounds under that. Do you churn your own buttermilk to pour in the nine vanilla lattes you slam before lunch? Really, you guys make my middle school Phys Ed teacher look like he was draped in Yves Saint Laurent.

Notice how I left “sitting in your underwear jacking off” off the lame list. That’s because masturbation is God’s little gift for making the rest of life so unbearably horrible.

This is how I imagine God spoke to Early Man about masturbation eleventy-billion years ago:  “Uh, hey caveman? Listen, I’m really sorry that you saw your fellow tribesmen get eaten by giant squirrels.

I didn’t really think this whole “man’s existence/survival” thing out.

I’ve been working on whale sounds FOREVER and no matter what I do, double-tracking, more reverb, remixes, they still sound utterly ridiculous. I hate whales now. Terrible idea.  Anyway, I’ve come up with a solution to help you deal with your lonliness until you find some more tribesmen. It’s simple. Take your hand, put it between your legs and get some friction going there, and, oh hey, that’s weird, you know what you’re doing there. Have we spoken about this before? Would you mind waiting until I leave before you continue? It’s a little weird. Oh, your friends, I forgot. You know what? Keep going. I’ll deal. Now you might want to switch hands every week or so. We’ve been getting great feedback about that.”

Happy Masturbating,

Brilliant Orange

incaseofzombies asked: What do you feel is a solution to the problem of the absence of innate “manliness” in our present generation?

Hi, incaseofzombies. That’s a good question. I was pondering it a little earlier as I was pounding some serious flange after having chopped down a tree using only the jawbone of an ass. And by ass, I mean Bear Grylls.

I think to work out a solution, first you have to diagnose the cause of the malady. Sure, old-school I-just-smoked-a-hundred cigars-before-lunch-and-jerked-off-onto-a-tiger-because-I’m Norman-Mailer manliness is dying out. Sure, men seem to feel no fucking shame about crying in front of women, or at the end of Charlotte’s Web. But why?

Susan Faludi nailed it in her book Stiffed — we no longer have an agreed idea about what it means to be a man. Joe Jackson kind of said it too, but he was more talking about some stuff about the gays which I didn’t understand because isn’t that song all about the hanky code or something?

Oh yeah, back to what I was saying. There’s no model for manliness these days. Whenever boys or men do traditionally manly things (drink, smoke, fight, leer at ladies, do burnouts in their cars, take tons of drugs) society as a whole says “YOUNG MEN ARE A PROBLEM”. Masculinity is, as a result, demonised.

So men acquiesce. And they learn that if they want to avoid being told they’re sexist, or are in some way paleolithic, that they’ll accept the argument from femininity as the final arbiter on societal matters.

End result? A generation of bedwetting premature-ejaculating pansies who ask women out on dates by text message because they’re petrified that if they ask a woman out in a public place that she’ll tear him a new asshole for objectifying her.

So what’s the solution? Given that we can’t (and don’t want to) wind back the clock on the advances of feminism, it’s a tough one. I think that individual men have to make a choice to just get their fucking shit in order. Most young guys could start by just standing up for themselves from time to time when someone accuses them of being a part of the patriarchal hegemony.

I guess what you’re after though, this being the internet and all is a list. So here goes.

7 things guys should all do or something like that.

1. Walk between your lady and anything scary or dangerous on the street. This is like an old-school chivalry thing you can do and you don’t get the bullshit “hey you sexist fuck I can open the door by myself” thing that sometimes uptight women lay on you when they have their period or whatever it is that made them so very angry.
2. Ditch the skinny jeans. Jeans are working men’s clothes. Jeans are for when you don’t know if you’ll be milking a cow or going down a mine that day. Don’t defile jeans by making them fey. If you must wear a ‘style’ of jeans, go for bootcut because then you look like a proper rockstar, not that girl from the Killers.
3. Own, and know how to use, some basic tools. Women go all spongey for a man who can put up shelves and such.
4. Fighting is key. Actually, losing. If you know what it’s like to take a beating (it hurts like fuck, but it’s not the end of you) then you’ll be more likely to stand up for yourself. Important tip: this may not apply in the USA where every swinging dick with an attitude packs heat. But in Australia, yeah, it’s important to know you can take a leathering. Plus, a broken nose is always a good story. I got mine taking a kicking from 5 guys when I was 17 or so. They called me some name because they saw me reading a book. I told them to get fucked so they kicked the living shit out of me.
5. Would it hurt you to read a book?
6. Don’t try to trick people into liking you. If you want people to like you, become a better person. All that pickup artist stuff is some bullshit. In my eyes, if you use that shit on women, you’re basically tricking them into fucking you by telling them lies. That’s not exactly informed consent is it, you bunch of rapey fuckos?
7. Get better in bed. I am not even kidding. If you are good in bed, like really good in bed, women will let you get away with murder. This is, at least, what my female friends who have partners who are good in bed have told me.

That’s my prescription: be a bit chivalrous, learn how to fuck, have some integrity, stop crying unless it’s at the end of Old Yeller. The rest takes care of itself.

Your pal,

indefensible!

You've got questions.

We’ve got answers.

Think you can stump us?

Go to our ask page and try, or just ask a question under this post.

What would you like to know?

How can I make my man give me way more orgasms?

Question submitted by lilykily.

Dear lilykily,

This is how I read your question:

“I think my boyfriend is a dumpy little turd, but I still want him to bang me like a pornstar.”

Here’s the thing.

People’s feelings come out, whether you like it or not, in body language.

Let’s say I think that you are a morbidly obese Asian with Down’s Syndrome.

When you pick up a hammer to make “Bam-Bam” with the coffee table, I might gently coo you into stopping, or scream at you, or restrain you, or give you a dirty look or play Lady GaGa music until you’re convulsing on the floor and frothing at the mouth because what sort of sucktard shits into a microphone, adds a baseline, and sells it to tweens as “hip” culture.

But I digress.

What I’m saying is that the way you feel towards someone affects the way you act towards them, and the way they make you feel.

Now, in your question you say you want to “make” your “man” give you more orgasms.

Sounds like you see your “man”  as a dumpy little turd that can’t perform in the bedroom.

Now bear with me here, cause I’m about to do what’s called a “paradigm shift.”

Instead of seeing your man as a dumpy little turd, perhaps see yourself as a dumpy little turd, and then any orgasm he gives you will be earth-shattering, because, at the end of the day, you’re a dumpy little turd.

Your mentor,

— Moe

redtothetone-deactivated2010012 asked: i'm trying to get to 1000+ followers like you guys. i have big boobs and a big ass...which should i highlight more in my avatar?

Having a Big ass is to Having A Killer Rack as Being Seven Feet Tall is to Being Able To Slam Dunk.

How about you show us your wits? This is the internet. Tits and ass are in abundance. It’s the funny that’s in short supply.

Your pal,

indefensible!

What do men really want for christmas? And don't take the easy way out and just say sex. Really, what do they want?

The biggest problem with England’s Football Association is that they have completely failed to institute a system that enriches ALL twenty teams who participate in the Premiership, not just the big four of Arsenal, Manchester United, Chelsea, and Liverpool, who also happen to be the teams that splash the most cash. Even though Liverpool have botched it and might finish out of the money this season, everyone knows that most of the time, these are the four teams competing for the prize and the rest are fighting for table scraps. It’s a disheartening, greedy sham.

Instead of lifting their skirts to squeeze the last yuan out of every asthmatic Chinese factory worker with a logic-defying, schedule- mangling 39th game, played somewhere in the mysterious East, why not institute a playoff system? One through eight, the team with more points get home-field advantage. Single game, extra-time, penalties.

If it’s good enough to decide the World Cup, the Euros, and the Champions League, it’s good enough for you. Let everyone participate in the possibility of becoming a champion, and you can ride those dreams to the bank.

Now mid-table teams have something to play for late in the season, instead of pretending to care about a spot in the useless Europa- Nutella Cup or whatever the fuck it’s called. Now managers won’t get sacked five games into the season because their key players are injured, or just acting like pouty hairdressers because they’ve been asked to tackle or shoot properly once in a while. Managers will have a chance to implement their vision, as Darth Vader might say. And what’s this bullshit that a manager can leave for a club with bigger tits whenever he feels like it? Sign a CONTRACT, FINISH the job, ACT LIKE MEN, for God’s sake.

American baseball was dead in the water in the late 80’s until they added the wild card. Now, the season wasn’t over for the other twenty- six teams come July with two months yet to go. They had something to play for. And networks paid more money to get these additional post- season matches on the air. The fans got excited again. And excited fans spend MONEY, you thoughtless FA twats.

I’m sorry, your question. Uh, a Ducati SportClassic GT 1000 motorcycle, a Ruger Super Blackhawk Single-Action Revolver, and uh, a lightsaber. Yes I know it’s past Christmas, but it will be here again soon enough, so you might as well start saving up now because all that shit is expensive.

I remain,

Brilliant Orange

Ask us stuff, because we get off on it.

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What’s the best way to tell a guy how to hit the G-spot?

Question submitted by blanddiva11

You should try ancient Greek. Most men will respond as well to that as hand gestures, pie charts or even English. The root of this dilemma lies in how Men don’t perceive their role to involve listening. It’s not in our genetic repertoire. We talk, we advise and we decide. We rarely listen. Don’t get me wrong, we gather words and in many cases we even regurgitate them, especially if it will guarantee us a reprieve from you dispensing more words. Don’t blame us. It’s genetic and you women talk a whole lot.

Now I wont claim to be proficient in finding such things as my wallet, parking spaces or G-spots because my girlfriend has the internet, she Googles a lot and it’s likely she will find this claim of mine and well I’d rather avoid her winning yet another debate. Instead, I will say that this G-spot sounds like a magical place and I look forward to traveling there sometime. I hope it has a swim up bar. Some Men have been there and some, when driving a familiar car, can even retrace their steps to get there again on a regular basis. Each road is different and it’s most likely that Men will get lost or more accurately distracted by our own needs and selfishness en route to this G-spot destination.

Now I’m going to lose a lot of Man points by disclosing this but you seem like a nice lass and you are Canadian so clearly you need a head start. If you want a Man to pseudo pay attention to you, don’t ever give him what he wants or desires. That’s a sure fire way of rapidly losing his attention. Giving a man mind blowing oral sex in the hopes that he will fervently reciprocate is a good tactic for a first date. This will work only on a first date but will however, not guarantee you a second date. By the second date and most certainly the latter part of the relationship you will not be properly motivating him to effectively hear what you have to say, want or need. Men are at their most attentive when they are themselves in need. Learn from Men, be selfish and use it to your advantage to get what you need.

Do you actually want him to pay attention to this topic of your G-spot?  Try showing him on another woman you bring home. Another possibility is to describe how someone else hit your spot. The use of jealousy will either cause him to focus on your needs or cause a fight and leave you with the best option of all. Use the sex toy you bought specifically and ergonomically designed for hitting that spot and let’s forget you even wasted both of our time by asking this silly question.

All the Best,

Roughdiction