The Men Guide . Us

You’ve got questions.

We’ve got answers.

Think you can stump us?

Go to our ask page and try, or just ask a question under this post.

What would you like to know?

How can I make my man give me way more orgasms?

Question submitted by lilykily.

Dear lilykily,

This is how I read your question:

“I think my boyfriend is a dumpy little turd, but I still want him to bang me like a pornstar.”

Here’s the thing.

People’s feelings come out, whether you like it or not, in body language.

Let’s say I think that you are a morbidly obese Asian with Down’s Syndrome.

When you pick up a hammer to make “Bam-Bam” with the coffee table, I might gently coo you into stopping, or scream at you, or restrain you, or give you a dirty look or play Lady GaGa music until you’re convulsing on the floor and frothing at the mouth because what sort of sucktard shits into a microphone, adds a baseline, and sells it to tweens as “hip” culture.

But I digress.

What I’m saying is that the way you feel towards someone affects the way you act towards them, and the way they make you feel.

Now, in your question you say you want to “make” your “man” give you more orgasms.

Sounds like you see your “man”  as a dumpy little turd that can’t perform in the bedroom.

Now bear with me here, cause I’m about to do what’s called a “paradigm shift.”

Instead of seeing your man as a dumpy little turd, perhaps see yourself as a dumpy little turd, and then any orgasm he gives you will be earth-shattering, because, at the end of the day, you’re a dumpy little turd.

Your mentor,

— Moe

redtothetone-deactivated2010012 asked: i'm trying to get to 1000+ followers like you guys. i have big boobs and a big ass...which should i highlight more in my avatar?

Having a Big ass is to Having A Killer Rack as Being Seven Feet Tall is to Being Able To Slam Dunk.

How about you show us your wits? This is the internet. Tits and ass are in abundance. It’s the funny that’s in short supply.

Your pal,

indefensible!

What do men really want for christmas? And don’t take the easy way out and just say sex. Really, what do they want?

The biggest problem with England’s Football Association is that they have completely failed to institute a system that enriches ALL twenty teams who participate in the Premiership, not just the big four of Arsenal, Manchester United, Chelsea, and Liverpool, who also happen to be the teams that splash the most cash. Even though Liverpool have botched it and might finish out of the money this season, everyone knows that most of the time, these are the four teams competing for the prize and the rest are fighting for table scraps. It’s a disheartening, greedy sham.

Instead of lifting their skirts to squeeze the last yuan out of every asthmatic Chinese factory worker with a logic-defying, schedule- mangling 39th game, played somewhere in the mysterious East, why not institute a playoff system? One through eight, the team with more points get home-field advantage. Single game, extra-time, penalties.

If it’s good enough to decide the World Cup, the Euros, and the Champions League, it’s good enough for you. Let everyone participate in the possibility of becoming a champion, and you can ride those dreams to the bank.

Now mid-table teams have something to play for late in the season, instead of pretending to care about a spot in the useless Europa- Nutella Cup or whatever the fuck it’s called. Now managers won’t get sacked five games into the season because their key players are injured, or just acting like pouty hairdressers because they’ve been asked to tackle or shoot properly once in a while. Managers will have a chance to implement their vision, as Darth Vader might say. And what’s this bullshit that a manager can leave for a club with bigger tits whenever he feels like it? Sign a CONTRACT, FINISH the job, ACT LIKE MEN, for God’s sake.

American baseball was dead in the water in the late 80’s until they added the wild card. Now, the season wasn’t over for the other twenty- six teams come July with two months yet to go. They had something to play for. And networks paid more money to get these additional post- season matches on the air. The fans got excited again. And excited fans spend MONEY, you thoughtless FA twats.

I’m sorry, your question. Uh, a Ducati SportClassic GT 1000 motorcycle, a Ruger Super Blackhawk Single-Action Revolver, and uh, a lightsaber. Yes I know it’s past Christmas, but it will be here again soon enough, so you might as well start saving up now because all that shit is expensive.

I remain,

Brilliant Orange

Ask us stuff, because we get off on it.

http://themenguide.us/ask

What’s the best way to tell a guy how to hit the G-spot?

Question submitted by blanddiva11

You should try ancient Greek. Most men will respond as well to that as hand gestures, pie charts or even English. The root of this dilemma lies in how Men don’t perceive their role to involve listening. It’s not in our genetic repertoire. We talk, we advise and we decide. We rarely listen. Don’t get me wrong, we gather words and in many cases we even regurgitate them, especially if it will guarantee us a reprieve from you dispensing more words. Don’t blame us. It’s genetic and you women talk a whole lot.

Now I wont claim to be proficient in finding such things as my wallet, parking spaces or G-spots because my girlfriend has the internet, she Googles a lot and it’s likely she will find this claim of mine and well I’d rather avoid her winning yet another debate. Instead, I will say that this G-spot sounds like a magical place and I look forward to traveling there sometime. I hope it has a swim up bar. Some Men have been there and some, when driving a familiar car, can even retrace their steps to get there again on a regular basis. Each road is different and it’s most likely that Men will get lost or more accurately distracted by our own needs and selfishness en route to this G-spot destination.

Now I’m going to lose a lot of Man points by disclosing this but you seem like a nice lass and you are Canadian so clearly you need a head start. If you want a Man to pseudo pay attention to you, don’t ever give him what he wants or desires. That’s a sure fire way of rapidly losing his attention. Giving a man mind blowing oral sex in the hopes that he will fervently reciprocate is a good tactic for a first date. This will work only on a first date but will however, not guarantee you a second date. By the second date and most certainly the latter part of the relationship you will not be properly motivating him to effectively hear what you have to say, want or need. Men are at their most attentive when they are themselves in need. Learn from Men, be selfish and use it to your advantage to get what you need.

Do you actually want him to pay attention to this topic of your G-spot?  Try showing him on another woman you bring home. Another possibility is to describe how someone else hit your spot. The use of jealousy will either cause him to focus on your needs or cause a fight and leave you with the best option of all. Use the sex toy you bought specifically and ergonomically designed for hitting that spot and let’s forget you even wasted both of our time by asking this silly question.

All the Best,

Roughdiction

Why do guys cum in girls, and then make jokes about pushing them down a set of stairs if they get pregnant?

Question submitted by sablerichard

It seems like you’ve asked a question that, at its core, is: “Why are men mean to women when we do such nice things for them?” The lesser known corollary to that, however, is the inverse of that question, which is: “why are women so mean to men when we do such nice things for them”

You might be chuckling at your monitor in contempt, with your tweety-bird pajamas on, asking the boyfriend you don’t have “what do men do for us, exactly?”

Let’s not get into specific situations where we treat you like angels, but rather, let’s first quantify what benefit men provide women and then look at what benefit women provide men.*

Women are biologically wired to look for financial, emotional, and physical stability in a partner. If I were to set you up on a date with a wealthy hedge-fund manager who loves The Notebook, and participates in the New York Marathon, you’d be dripping, and begging me for his number.

With the possible exception of emotional stability, women can not achieve the same sense of relationship satisfaction by having these needs fulfilled by different men, rather, they maximize relationship efficacy by having just one partner.

On the flip side, however, the criterion a man looks for in a mate is wide hips and big breasts. Further, we are physiologically predisposed to try and get as many women pregnant as possible.

Consequently, every time a man is in a monogamous relationship, he is betraying his body’s primal needs, whereas every time a woman is in a monogamous relationship, she is blissfully achieving her goals.

And you’re saying that you’re upset that guys make jokes about sexism?

Get over yourself.

Fifty percent of men get prostate cancer. Our orgasms last eight seconds, while women’s last thirty. Half of all men have erectile dysfunction at some point in their lives.

Finally, we put up with questions like these which make us believe that, no matter how hard we try; women are incapable of being loved.

Still we stay. Still, we stay.

*In order for my argument to work, you must believe in evolution, and evolutionary psychology. If you don’t, you’re probably fingerpopping yourself to a video of Bill O’ Reilly and updating your WordPress, and you’ve got bigger problems than accepting men for who they are.

— Moe

Why are men too afraid to take the next step In a relationship?

readthis Asked this Question

I love questions that I can answer with a question. Mine is this: “Why won’t women chill the fuck out?”

Your pal,

indefensible!

Is deep throating a must?

Question submitted by megantea:

Infants are biologically wired to whine to get their mother’s attention. They do this by saying things like “mommy mommy watch me dive watch me dive did you see me dive mommy mommy.” They need some way to quantify their self-worth, and their mother’s attention and care gives them a sense of purpose.

As we grow older we enter the schooling system, where tests and quizzes replace our mother’s approval/disapproval. We are able to quantify our intelligence and level of achievement by our grades. If we score highly, we feel good. If we score poorly, not so good.

Later in life, we don’t really have any tools to measure our value, except  how much our significant other says/acts like she/he loves us.

If you come home every day from work to your girlfriend who has put a piece of stale bread and some dirty water on the table for you, you can safely say your relationship has failed (In order for this analogy to work you must live in a post-agrarian industrialized country like Canada, England, Australia, and some parts of the US).

If, however, you come home to a lavish eight course meal served by slaves whilst your significant other gives you an under-the-table blowfest, you can safely say your relationship is in good standing (in order for this analogy to work, you cannot be a King, or have concubines, or be running a Ponzi scheme).

That said, most of us fall somewhere in the middle, and it’s the littlest things that make us believe that our relationship is more eight-course meal than dirty water.

Those things include, but are not limited to:

• deep throating
• massages
• reverse cowgirl anal
• boy’s night
• presents
• laundry
• smiling
• not telling my friends i have a tiny dick you dirty whore i told you i’m self conscious about it.

You get the point.

The little things are what make us happy. We like to feel that you want us enough to put our entire weiner-schnitzel down your throat.

It’s how we know and feel like we’re wanted. And Needed. Beause deep down, we’re all that skinny little kid jumping into the shallow end with nobody watching us.

—Moe

So…

What would you like to know?