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Why are men too afraid to take the next step In a relationship?

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I love questions that I can answer with a question. Mine is this: “Why won’t women chill the fuck out?”

Your pal,

indefensible!

Is deep throating a must?

Question submitted by megantea:

Infants are biologically wired to whine to get their mother’s attention. They do this by saying things like “mommy mommy watch me dive watch me dive did you see me dive mommy mommy.” They need some way to quantify their self-worth, and their mother’s attention and care gives them a sense of purpose.

As we grow older we enter the schooling system, where tests and quizzes replace our mother’s approval/disapproval. We are able to quantify our intelligence and level of achievement by our grades. If we score highly, we feel good. If we score poorly, not so good.

Later in life, we don’t really have any tools to measure our value, except  how much our significant other says/acts like she/he loves us.

If you come home every day from work to your girlfriend who has put a piece of stale bread and some dirty water on the table for you, you can safely say your relationship has failed (In order for this analogy to work you must live in a post-agrarian industrialized country like Canada, England, Australia, and some parts of the US).

If, however, you come home to a lavish eight course meal served by slaves whilst your significant other gives you an under-the-table blowfest, you can safely say your relationship is in good standing (in order for this analogy to work, you cannot be a King, or have concubines, or be running a Ponzi scheme).

That said, most of us fall somewhere in the middle, and it’s the littlest things that make us believe that our relationship is more eight-course meal than dirty water.

Those things include, but are not limited to:

• deep throating
• massages
• reverse cowgirl anal
• boy’s night
• presents
• laundry
• smiling
• not telling my friends i have a tiny dick you dirty whore i told you i’m self conscious about it.

You get the point.

The little things are what make us happy. We like to feel that you want us enough to put our entire weiner-schnitzel down your throat.

It’s how we know and feel like we’re wanted. And Needed. Beause deep down, we’re all that skinny little kid jumping into the shallow end with nobody watching us.

—Moe

So…

What would you like to know?

Is it better to have faith in society, or just realize the fact that we all suck and will eventually crash and burn?

Question from ljarvz:

I hate to go all Philosophy 101 on you, but that’s a false dichotomy. Not only that, the entire statement absolves you of responsibility.

Here’s how to look at life:

Hope for the best. Plan for the worst. Realise that neither the best nor the worst will happen — but put all of your efforts into making the world a better place.

What does that mean in practical terms? If you want to live in a society worth placing your faith in, then get involved in building it. Do some volunteering. Don’t whine when you get pinged for jury duty. Write thank-you notes when someone does something nice for you. You know where I’m going with this.

Society is a collection of individuals. The more good individuals there are, the better the society will be.

Have fun. Chin up.

Your pal,

indefensible!

Do men like sluts as wives?

Question submitted by lunaticdreams:

When looking for a prospective vagina-for-life, a male has three options.

Mrs. Conservative Missionary:

These women are characterized by a lack of enthusiasm in the sex department, as evidenced by their almost non-existent libido. Also known as the “eighth-grader dilemma.” Words that come to mind are ‘dead fish’, and ‘missionary position’.

These women usually come from a religious home, and were taught since toddlerhood that men have syphilis and sex will make your vagina explode.

These types of women have something that is known more colloquially by its medical term; Penaphobia, or, the fear of penises.

They will likely only sleep with you if you promise to make them a baby, and even then, they’ll probably cry afterwards and make you watch My Sister’s Keeper.

These women tend to use sex as a bargaining chip, or leverage, to get you to do things you don’t want to do, like, visiting their grandparents, or having kids.

However, these women do have a very low rate of extra-marital affairs,  and that is admirable, even if their vaginas resemble bear traps.

Next, we have Mrs. Flexible Morals.

These women are the complete opposites of Mrs. Conservative Missionary.

These women will likely bring to the table a sexual appetite that you will not be able to control (read: satisfy). These women will teach you things you didn’t know could be done with a vagina, and will likely give you an STI.

These women are usually profoundly retarded in the wife department, and their behaviour is characterized by burnt food, lack of moral support, and marital infidelity.

Further, in my experience, it is these women that will slash your tires, or burn down your house, or burn down your house with you and your slashed tires inside.

Their allure, of course, is that “you never know what they’re gonna do” and they handle your bratwurst with the sort of experience only a skilled hooker has.

Finally, Mrs. Faithful Ball-Gag.

This is the sort of woman you want to marry.

These women have all the elements of Mrs. Conservative Missionary with regards to outward appearances. These women will tell her friends what a gentleman you are, talk about how you’re thinking about having babies, and pretends to like Martha Stewart.

However, when she is not lying to her friends in public, she turns into Mrs. Flexible Morals and has a sex drive that won’t quit.

To quote Aristotle, the perfect woman is “An angel in the kitchen, a devil in the bedroom.”

This is the woman that every man hopes for, but inevitably winds up with a mutant blend of the former two and lives an unhappy life, fraught with blue-balls and/or therapy.

Good luck,

— Moe

What is the best weapon to carry to deal with homeless men yelling things about my vagina?

Question submitted by callmebez:

Hold your horses, young lady. There are some options to consider before arming yourself.

First, what does Pierre (the name I give all homeless men) yell at you, exactly? Is it something like, “Lo, how many gentle fellows hath ridden in milady’s love ring the fortnight last?”

If it is, then this educated scamp may have once been a gynecologist. Far-fetched, you say? Well, a year ago, Pierre may have been up to his eyebrows in lady-parts, frisbee golf, and Porsche-designed sex pillows. However, thanks to the corrupt financial industry, box wine, and the Psionic War between Scientologists and Narco-Industrial test monkeys, the medical community has been kicked in the teeth. At least that’s how Pierre, the other homeless guy I bum smokes off of during my lunch break, explains it to me. So, before you brandish that Turkish saber, you might show Pierre a little compassion. Maybe even a phone number, because, he’s a DOCTOR for Christ’s sake. You never know.

Second, you must also consider the possibility that your vagina possesses magical powers and is capable of relaying phantasmagorical messages. Pierre, another homeless guy who picks up a copy of Modern Bride for me at Borders because I’m not allowed inside there any more, swears that his brain picks up sensory information normal humans can’t comprehend. Again, I know it sounds far-fetched, but maybe your lady-meadow is a special one and Pierre and other gatekeepers of the supernatural are helpless in it’s musty authority. So, the next time Pierre yells about your nethers, ask yourself, “What is my vagina trying to tell me? What does my vagina need? A sandwich?”

Remember, keep an open mind, put down your Scottish broadsword and listen for the clues, even though it probably wants a sandwich.

I’ve got to run. These Modern Bride scrapbooks aren’t going to assemble themselves.

— BrilliantOrange

The guy I’m dating picked some WoW thing with his guild over helping me practice my deepthroating skills. Should he be replaced?

Submitted by: rascoagogo

The Answer

First off I have to say, WOW!

I know video games have become popular with men, but some definitely take it too far. This is one of those cases. If your man would rather play a video game than get a blow job, you MUST dump his ass. Dump him for you and for men everywhere who are given a bad name because of asshats like this. This man, or shall I say ‘boy’ most likely has fantasies of little furry medieval creatures fucking him in the ass while his friends watch. This is the type of ‘boy’ who jerks off to Laura Croft and is too tired for sex when you come home. This is a person that evolution missed, and should be prevented from breeding.

The verdict is in; this relationship will not end well.

Dump his ass.

-Pappalardo

Why is it that a good number of other men don’t appreciate it when a woman has a nice pair or panties/bra on?

Question submitted by mondosmusicbox:

First off, you have a false assumption that men don’t appreciate it when a woman is wearing a new bra/panties.

You’re wrong.

I’d be hard-pressed to find a man that isn’t profoundly retarded who ignores his girlfriend coming home with a corset and a garter belt. Any man’s trousers would be around their ankles faster than you could say “German ball gag.”

I think that there’s a more important issue here that we need to address.

That is, where the hell do you get off judging other men.

Pierre Trudeau, the Prime Minister of Canada from 1964 -1984 said: “The state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation.”

Paraphrased, “mind your own fucking business when it comes to other people’s sex lives.

Under the guise of chivalry and better morals, your attitude is inappropriate at best and intrusive at worst.

If you want to go around fingerpopping your teenage girlfriend and telling her how much you appreciate her new panties, go ahead. I wish you well.

But if you want to go around commenting on the inadequacies of fellow men, I wish you luck in a life that is sure to be full of social ostracization.

— Moe

Blonde or brunette?

Question submitted by quitecheeky.

Ignoring for a moment that this timeless question is itself a false dichotomy (redheads, anyone?), I must point out the obvious: the answer is less than definitive and impossibly subjective.

Having said that, let’s now tread into the sticky marshlands of the stereotype.

Ever since the Greek philosopher Follicles coined the phrase “blondes have more fun” sometime in the late 3rd century B.C., the general assumption has been that the golden-haired members of the fairer species are free-spirited and fun-loving types.

Fair-skinned women with sable hair are routinely deemed dark and mysterious, while their darker-skinned brunette counterparts are considered exotic and often flamboyant.

That’s not to say that any of those generalizations are either fair or accurate, but everyone is aware of them and they are, unfortunately, part of our cultural conditioning.

So the cop-out answer then becomes “it’s a matter of taste”, and while every man obviously has his own type, I would hope that my enlightened brethren don’t use hair color as a primary factor in deciding whether or not a woman is dateworthy.

Also, did I mention redheads? Because, yeah.

—  Tony_D