As a healthy and desirable young fellow, what is the protocol for paying on a first date?
Submitted by ryandoescomedy
A very good question. Allow me to clear the air on this important subject.
First, I’m going to take your word that you are not only healthy, but also desirable… Young, probably. Let’s look first at the nature of this “first date.”
Are you doing something classic like taking her to a drive-in movie and then throwing her in the back seat halfway through? I think drive-ins have a policy that if the movie was so bad that you have to resort to heavy-petting in the backseat of your car, you can get your money back, thus not having to pay for the date at all. Situation 1: problem solved.
If you are taking her out for food, then you can pull any number of stunts such as taking one of your pubes and putting it in her dish as she’s just about done, and complain to the manager. This works. Every time. Then, you only have to pay for your food. Chances are you’d have ended up buying yourself a meal if she ditched you anyway. Situation 2: clear.
Let’s say she’s coming over your house for tea. At this point, all you would have to pay for is prophylactics and candles and roofies and teabags. Which can all be purchased at target for under $14. Situation 3: Semi-handled. (You could also go in her purse and reimburse yourself for these items while she’s “Sleeping.”)
She wants you to take her somewhere “nice.” First of all, the lady has no right to make demands at this point, I mean crap, you just met, right? That aside, when I hear the word “nice,” the first thing that comes to mind are these three little words: Chuck E. Cheese. An excellent idea and guaranteed to get you a second date, possibly even later on that night. The Munch ‘N Play special includes 1 Large Pizza (Specialty or 1-2 toppings) 2 Soft Drinks and 25 Game Tokens, which is more than enough to show her how good you are at skee-ball, at which point she may even offer to pay for any expenses that may come up later in the evening. Stay away from the ball pit. Nothing but small children and used syringes in there. Situation 4: Golden.
Say she’s really crazy and you hit it off real well the first night you met and this is the first time meeting up but you felt so strongly about each other that you just skip all the BS and go to a hotel. Check in, do the dirty, when you’re done, gather your things, go to the lobby and yell something about how your room has roaches all over it and you’re not staying in this disgusting place and you want your money back this instant. My good friend @paulenyce has done this several times, it’s never failed for him. Situation 5: Awesome.
Now we must dive in to the ultimate debate, “Going Dutch.”
Is she down for this enticing option? Right off the bat, you must clarify that this has nothing to do with flatulence, or being in a bed with her. Also, no blunts, no pointy shoes, no pigtails, no jumprope. If she understands that you will both pay equally for any monies needed to make this magical night happen, then you, my friend, are in the company of either a stellar woman who will be a lot of fun to be around and take on future adventures, or a feminist. Women’s rights are the best thing to happen to single men’s wallets since condoms. Either way, sweet dude.
And now, the most desirable but least common option: Sugar Daddy. The girl may be an older sexy broad, looking for a healthy desirable young fellow to play with… And she’s going to take YOU out. In this case, milk it for all it’s worth. A few tell-tale signs that you may be in the Sugar Daddy scenario:
- she picks you up in her mercedes, with a car-seat or two in the back seat.
- she sends her driver (her teenage son) to pick you up for the date.
- she wears a wedding ring
- she talks about her deadbeat husband and how he’s always “away on business” but he’s really “traipsing around with some floozy.”
- she has a tendency to run to the bathroom frequently and comes back slightly more excited and talkative than before the “trip to the little girl’s room.”
In all of the above scenarios, you come out the winner, but make sure that these are only first dates, and not 3-year anniversary dates, because these women are ticking relationship bombs that are ready to blow at any second. And not the good kind of blow. Well maybe.
Enjoy,
-TwoName
