My vagina is beginning to hate me.
Why is my boyfriend’s penis afraid of my vagina? His junk falls limp upon contact EVERY TIME.
- Question submitted by moonlight-survived
I appreciate your openness in asking this delicate question. I will do my best to help you work out this terrible problem.
Does this happen with every high priest that enters the holiest of holies, or is it just your boyfriend? If it’s all of them, then:
It seems that you appear to have been blessed/cursed with the very rare “Kryptogina” which was the driving force behind the feminist movement in the early ‘teens and ‘twenties. Combined with the great depression, it was enough to make any man never want to touch a woman again. When the U.S. began rebuilding after World War II, there was a vaccination distributed that mostly wiped out this phenomenon.
Mostly.
It turned into a recessive gene that only surfaces every 72 years, and even then, very rarely. You, my friend, are one in a million. Literally.
However, if it’s just him, then the dude’s obviously gay. Have you tried the rear access panel? It’s worth a shot at least. It’s possible that he’s not gay, and that he’s just not attracted to the idea of taking his fan boat deep into your love marsh.
The obvious solution to this is to surprise him with it.
The “Sneak attack” is always best. If you can catch him while he’s punishing his pink power ranger, find a high vantage point and jump on top of him like a flying squirrel in the heat of mating season. I like to call this “Guy-Diving.”
Disclaimer: You have to be careful with this move, because this one time I had this friend who was a really good skier,and this one time he went off a jump and attempted an Iron Cross… he pulled it off but couldn’t uncross his skis in time, landed on his ski pole and ruptured his spleen. Had to spend like a week in the hospital. Just saying.
Anyways, All I’m trying to say is that maybe the rubber isn’t hitting the road the right way, you know? Maybe your fixation with dead-fish missionary isn’t his cup of tea.
Expand your sexual horizons. Try some Reverse Cowgirl, The Accordion, The Bermuda Triangle, The Dutch Apple Pie, the Flying Saucer, you get the idea.
The other thing that comes to mind is that maybe your thirsty valley is a little too dry? A little Astroglide goes a long way. My parents kept a bottle in their night stand at all times, because they had a LOT of sex. I mean I had a bedroom in the basement and I had to wear headphones to fall asleep because their bed was so damn squeaky.
Or just tell him to pretend he’s about to fire blanks in Tyra Banks.
Good Luck!
-TwoName
