When does sitting in your underwear jacking off become considered “lame”?
Here’s a list of lame things:
1. Turducken. It’s not only lame, and horrible tasting, it’s stupid.
Why not stick a live tarantula in there as well? You’d remember that fucking Thanksgiving, Charlie Brown.
2. Every James Bond video game after Goldeneye. Before Goldeneye, I went to arcades, gave dollar bills to creepy old dudes who’s dreams died long ago, got some quarters, and played Top Speed while high as fuck. After Goldeneye came out I was like, “OH MY GOD GIVE ME YOUR PURSE OLD LADY SO I CAN BUY NINTENDO64 WITH YOUR OLD LADY MONEY,” and then I was like, “I AM JAMES BOND NOW AND I HAVE A SNIPER RIFLE I DON’T FEEL BAD ABOUT BEATING UP THAT OLD LADY AND I AM SO HIGH.”
Seriously, how do you fuck that franchise up?
3. The way NFL coaches dress now. George Halas, Paul Brown, Tom Landry, and Vince Lombardi wore jackets and ties on the sideline. Even Chuck Noll wore a shirt with a collar. But you, modern NFL coach? Nice track suit. I’d never guess you weighed 14,000 pounds under that. Do you churn your own buttermilk to pour in the nine vanilla lattes you slam before lunch? Really, you guys make my middle school Phys Ed teacher look like he was draped in Yves Saint Laurent.
Notice how I left “sitting in your underwear jacking off” off the lame list. That’s because masturbation is God’s little gift for making the rest of life so unbearably horrible.
This is how I imagine God spoke to Early Man about masturbation eleventy-billion years ago: “Uh, hey caveman? Listen, I’m really sorry that you saw your fellow tribesmen get eaten by giant squirrels.
I didn’t really think this whole “man’s existence/survival” thing out.
I’ve been working on whale sounds FOREVER and no matter what I do, double-tracking, more reverb, remixes, they still sound utterly ridiculous. I hate whales now. Terrible idea. Anyway, I’ve come up with a solution to help you deal with your lonliness until you find some more tribesmen. It’s simple. Take your hand, put it between your legs and get some friction going there, and, oh hey, that’s weird, you know what you’re doing there. Have we spoken about this before? Would you mind waiting until I leave before you continue? It’s a little weird. Oh, your friends, I forgot. You know what? Keep going. I’ll deal. Now you might want to switch hands every week or so. We’ve been getting great feedback about that.”
Happy Masturbating,
